summer 78

The Pyramid Song.

I have worked too many hours this week but i think my paycheck will be worth it.
Amanda is coming on Sunday and that will be very very good.
I have only experienced the sunrise on the top of Haleakala three times in my life. One of the times, I was on mushrooms and extremely confused. The most recent time was fantastic. The cold and the light bouncing out from places I wouldn't have guessed.
It's like mars up there. It's just fucking amazing. I want to show Amanda.
I am also planning on taking everyone on some sort of dinner sunset cruise. It seems everything that goes on on this island is based on what the sun is doing. OH. When I say everyone, I mean my mom and dad and amanda.
When Amanda leaves on the sixth, I go back to hellacious work for a couple weeks. I will need money for Coachella related things. It will be fine, the work. I am used to it by now. Amazingly enough, I get paid four times before I leave for Coachella. That will give me enough pocket cash I hope.
I will have enough to pay Ian back whenever Mr. O'Connor picks up his smelly dog. Coachella is in like three weeks. Thats amazing. It's going to be good. Really good. And then what?
I come back, conjur up some lie about why I missed three days and then hold out until graduation.

I started writing this blog entry a couple days ago and I have had it open now with nothing to say. I didn't feel like it was finished.

I would like to take this textual opportunity to attempt to explain my intentions over the past several weeks.

And this is for you, Amanda.

Whoever else might be reading this might as well just know too. That's why I am writing it here. I know you will read it, Amanda.

I have spent the entire month of March and a few weeks previous so ridiculously busy. I have worked more hours in the past two months than I have probably in my entire Socially Secured life combined.

I worked because I needed to figure everything out. I worked in school. I worked on college applications. I worked at Subway. I did Yard Work. I did computer work. I worked for PCRealty. I worked for my parents when I could. I did absolutely everything I could to get things in motion and pay for the things I had created the responsibility to pay for in a fair amount of time.

I am happy to say I have accomplished nearly every goal I had. I was accepted to Seattle University yesterday. I finally have a decent recording setup. I am passing school with flying colors. I paid for your ticket, Amanda. I paid for the Coachella ticket and ridiculously overpriced airfare to Phoenix.

For reasons too vague for me to understand, I lost the level of communication that I need with you. I took it for granted. I am not ashamed of the level of my priorities over the past couple weeks. And I do not regret anything I have done, because I can't imagine a time better than the now. Always. But I miss you. A lot.

I need to feel close to you like I used to. I want us to be able to help eachother through the few days we have left apart. Because I know things will start to fall into place the sooner it gets until we graduate. I know you are afraid of growing up, baby. But I want us to grow up together. We can get through all the scary stuff if we stay close.

I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you.

.remember?

 

Lust For Life

I feel myself growing up some days. (like today). its the way people talk to me, and about me whille im listing. It because I go to bed at the same time every single night, regaurdless of my irritation. it's because i know the phrase "life is 10 precent what happens to you and 90 precent what you make of it." I make it what i want it to be, I work two jobs, i take pictures, i apply for scholorships, i write essays, i drink coffee, i like to be with other people. i know im different because i want people to like me, i like people.

"whille many her age can only see their immediate surroundings, Amanda is wise beyound her years. She is one of the few students who can see the big picture." reading letters of recomndations that other teachers write about me make me want to cry. The list traits that i should have. or that they think i have. I like everything they have to say about my photoraphy, and my creativeness, and my passion.

IT snowed this morning, i like the crisp air when it snows. I love that this is the last day of school before spring break and it snowed and im happy. I wore a red hat and a pea coat. I love the cold.
I work today, at the fruit stand wich i love so much. I love surrounding myself with asparagas and artic necterines. I ate a kumkat for the first time yesterday. Aaron came to my register and asked if I'd ever had one before I said no so he handed me one and said "you have to try it" i love that i get that chance to have new and different fruits and vegetables. I think im going to take home a yam today. I just adore yams.

Tomorrow I work at bed bath and beyond, which i also love for some reason. I like the idea of warm towels, I like the couples that are shopping for their new houses, and the brides that are registring for their weddnings, and their new lives together.

Sunday im off for the sunny world of maui. Im so nervouse to fly. I hate hate hate the idea of being trapped in a large plane with tons of other people in an inexcapable place. I fear i will get stuck next to a really really fat person who wont let me escape. Im bringing motion sickness pills and sleep aids. books and books and homework ahh.

and then their is coachella like a few weeks after i get back goodness!. im so so so excited. I got and email from the coachella website today saying Carpoolchella is on and that coachella is approching. I think that i finally have enough of my ducks in a row to be excited. I am nearly finished with my senior project and im so excited about everything my life has to offer. um um um. My scholorship, i turned one in yesterday for half of the art insiutute tuituion. Im very excited. I think i have a really really good chance.

Things To do:
"How to Save the World"- Due Tuesday
Journalism Portfolio - Due Tuesday
Story Ideas for next month - Due Tuesday

Economic Terms - Due Monday

Attend Photo exhibit
Sub Pop Scholorship Essay
oi oi oi oi

i just want to live on the beach with three jack russle terriers.

i drink coffee everymorning.
i wear makeup everymorning.
i try to look presentable, i try to get things done.
i make plans, and laugh.
i go to school and do things other then they assigned work, because i have already finshed it.
i wish i was different.

i feel really left out and really different.
i dont belong here really.

i made a fake resume today for my senior experience class.
I am applying for a job at rolling stone magazine to be annie leobovitz's assitant.
(she doesnt even work there anymore)
i wish i had a better camerai wish i had a chance,

the joy of relaxed envy.
sits at the top of chaotic glee.

when both want to go out
i can't quite see.

i feel really weird. eli and i worked on the movie a whole lot yesterday. I miss sharing music with him. or rather i miss him sharing music with me. he showed me bed head yesterday, i like them a lot. The movie is comming along really nicely. im really happy with it. eli is great at seeing how the shooting should be, i hope the two of us continue making short films.

i realized yesterday, that i have been having a problem with growing up. (in that i dont want to do it). Eli made the point of moving in all together, the four of us, and ultimatly megan too. (so five really) it sounds like a good way to start my adult life i think. I dont know, i am really frightened by the idea of loosing my best friend, my mom. so its scary.i want to do it though, if josh is okay with it. I think the four of us living together would be fun. I dont know, i was looking at some of the places eli had been looking at and it seems like a good idea. I dont know i dont know. its josh's decision. If he thinks its a good idea i will do it.

my tummy hurts with the thought of this. oi oi oi.! we are working on the movie again today. Its really lovely. I get paid tomorrow. i start job two next week, and then next sunday im away to maui!.im lost, really lost, what am i doing.

today is a thursday, then friday, then work work. im close to finished with my senior project portfolio #1.

i just want to be good.

01. Still Life - Black and white02. Still Life - Color

03. Still Life - Black and white

04.Still Life Color

05. a little preview of the movie eli and i are making.
im sure when its finished it will get Youtube coverage.

i stayed home to day

last night i had a nightmare that this man was chasing me.
he was staying in the same hotel as me, and some disaster happened.
i lost my key, he was chasing me, i kept running.
i ran to a car and he started chasing me his car.

i was terified. I ran and ran and i woke up, when i went back to bed
i was at dinner with a family i didnt know, they were really nice to me
but i was uncomfortable
it was a western themed and i kept looking though my purse for sunglasses,
i lost my things left and right.

i stayed home because my stomach hurt, and i didnt feel right about anything.
eli isnt comming over today a planed which is a total bummer.
I was looking forward to his company to keep my mind off of everything.

I should porbably stop reading Zodiac, and stop watching scary movies if i dont want to have nightmares.

today will consits of me taking still life photographs,
me eating rice and tuna
and me making my giant scarf

Im disappointed. all the way around. I want to move out on my own, and start a cup cake factory. I want to move out on my own and decorate my bathroom. I want to move out and buy towels and sheets. haha, bed bath and beyond does that.

I have two jobs now. I am going to work at country farms two days a week as well as bed bath and beyond i think. I dont know. why not.

i make promises i can't keep.
but when i think about things i can do, i imagine how long a minute is. and i try to use every minute for something. 
most things seem insignificant but everything matters.
when i make promises, i think i can keep them. and i always do this making with the intention of having them kept.
and if i am not able to keep them, i make sure they pan out in the long run.
i do what i can do and i try to do it well. 
if i had a credo, it would be simple and i would be able to fit it to a movie's shitty tagline.
i wish i could rid myself of cynicism.
it's the worst. the absolute worst.
cynicism, unncessesary vugarity and excessive sarcasm. 
away with you.
i am going to try to be a better person.

i want to see this movie,
i need to finish my film.
i need sleep.

i dont mind work, its okay.
i like the girls that work there they are nice and pass the weekends nice and fast.
i answer phones and work on my confidence.
my job shadow went nice...


thats it. thank you

i had the strangest nightmare, involving a 6th grade love interest, a scary person that i punched in the nose, my old elementary school, and getting locked into bathrooms

i dont even know you anymore.
i've been lost a while. no ones found me.

http://www.woostercollective.com/2007/05/shit_were_diggin_max_tyries_hand_made_mo.html
this is a really cool stop action movie

Otherside

I have a job shadow at a portrait studio in Lynnwood tomorrow from 2-6. I am really excited to get a feel of what that would really be like. I get to sit in on two photoshoots and ask her a million questions. I think if i like what they do there i'm going to ask if there are any job oppurtuinites as a resepsionest or assistant or something. I hate Bed Bath and Beyond, and if i could get a job involving photography even in the slightest my life would be much happier I think.

I am also working on a secound job shadow with this really really cool portrait photographer couple. They are really excited about my intrest and I think I've got this one in the bag as well. (http://boojazz.com/index2.html).

As far as everything else goes, I'm going to start my porject for a full ride scholorship today when I get home, im doing a stop action style movie of myself going through a normal day with photography attacking me at every trun. Im really excited about it, and I feel really really good about it. Joshua says he will help me wright a little song for it too, so that everything about the short film is all my own. Im so so excited.

Friday I have no school, and Eli is supposed to come over, I think im going to ask him to help me with the short movie. I dont know. Its going to be so out of order and slightly complicated. blah blah blah. Then saturday i work 12-8:30 abd Sunday 12-7. Easy peasy. I just have to slow down, and figure everything out. I hate my job, but its easy. The fruit stand opens up soon, im going to look at getting a secound job there durring the week. im excited for all the cherries and peaches.

As far as my stressful senior project goes, I have only a few more things to do:
Interview from Mr. G - Type/Print
Interview w/portrait photographer (im doing this tomorrow)
Job Shadow w/Portrait photographer (Im doing this tomorrow)
Essay On Portrait photographers
Attend an exhibit, and interview someone who works there (doing this in Maui)
Mentor Interview (minor)

i feel pretty good about everything right now, I really need to focus on scholorships, and steady living, and what have you. I need to clean my room and start my movie. Im feeling very artistic. I need some new and beautiful faces.

i was attacked by a cat.
and im sick.
i no longer like cats.
i like dogs.
big stinky dogs
that eat little kity cats.

i am posting this with a mac widget. which is sweet.  
today was another seven hour shift and i still smell subway. but the money in my pocket everyday is probably worth it.  
and also, i think the paypal transactions finally went through.
i got into an argument with an ignorant security guard at my school today. it was ridiculous. i would explain, but whoever might be reading this already knows the details (amanda :)) 
tomorrow is going to be the most full day in forever.  i will wake up at seven something.  i will go to school and present my made up school to the scoiology class. "the money"
then i will go to mr. oconnors and he will freak out for an hour telling me i should do this and that to my completed sculpture.
unless they moved them. they might have already moved them.  anyway, i will go to work from about 12-6 and then ian will pick me up.
we will drive to the hui and i will wander around and see my sculpture as it is viewed by folks from various regions of the island.
then i will go do the cage of sound with Ian and Pete and Justin and maybe Bear.  and then we will probably end up getting some beers and winding down.  so i wont stop doing productive things for like 15 hours. wow.
i can't wait.  actually. i should be asleep right now.
i have soulseek privelages !! YES!
i should cover when you wake up feeling old by Wilco.
tune in, kids.
i love you, amanda.

i feel like i have absolutely no idea of where i am going.
it is awful. oh so very.
i ate a plane of cold canned beans with dressing.

natalie portmans charactor in the beginning of hotel chavalier is really irritating.
i want to shoot her.

p.s. i want a copy of every wes anderson movie.
i used to have rushmore but have lost it.
send send send

i left the little black ipod that is currently in my possession at home today. its devastating how much i have been trying to be inspired and it just keeps blowing up in my face. Hows a girl to be inspired when she cant listen to 90's pop music? honestly.

I wrote an article about coachella for the school paper, im basically in love with it. I also wrote a story on Kimya Dawson. And a list of movies, DVDs, and books about to come out. Im working on a "what to listen to during a long plane ride" play list for the paper and of course my own use! the paper is due out right before spring break, (here's a copy of the last issue --i write for arts and entertainment -http://www.edmonds.wednet.edu/lhs/publications/docs/Gazette/LHSGazette_2-2008.pdf)

Im considering writing a story on beach house. they kind of have a newish cd that i havent actually listened to. Or maybe xiu xiu because no one even knows about them.

Things to inspire me;
- Beach house
- Darjeeling Limited
- Nan Goldin (always)
- Andy Warhols Polaroids - I NEED a copy of that book

i didnt get to talk to josh yesterday.
it killed mr.
my eyes hurt.
my body hurts.

happy 16th birthday michael marks.
little brother, little brother.

bil bill billll

so, tonight i saw bill nye the science guy.
i miss you, amanda.

tomorrow i am going to finish my sculpture and finish
making a fake school
i work everyday until monday.
ill be dead by then

from exhaustion
.

i love you

That saying that "blonde's have more fun" i think i agree with that.
for an assignment i was researching that stage in Warhols life where he took millions of Polaroids, i remembered how beautiful he and his friends were and how blonde edie was. I need to be blonde again. Im going to dye my hair soon.

I have been having a lack of inspiration lately. i just dont know what to do.

im hungry, im lonely and im bored.

an update of the crazy

most of my days are spent planing what it is i need to bring with me to maui, wishing i was no longer in high school, or editing photographs and working on my senior project. I have gotten so much done and there are only a few things left, but i am still stressing about it for no reason.
i wrote a really nice story on coachella, i kind of wish i lived in the sun of arizona, i am doing alright in school (im doing great, i just dont really do anything at all).
I like my new job, its easy and its lovely.
i want to update this every day from now on.
love love.

http://baggubag.com

our blog has died.
and it makes me want to cry