sleeping alone

Last night it was so strange to go to bed alone. Sharing my twin sized bed for about a month got me used to sleeping straight, and in the corner. Last night i warmed the heating blanket under my blankets long before falling asleep. With out you there its much colder, much harder to sleep. I laid there after i got off the phone with you for so long. I tossed and i turned. There was a noise that i couldnt get rid of. I kept turning things off, and putting stuff out side of my room. I was weeping of loneliness then i'd stop. Then i was weeping of coldness, but i stopped. I was then weeping because i have suddenly become afraid of the dark. When did that happen? when did i start to fear this?

waking up this morning was the hardest thing id had to do. I made it fool proof. I set out my clothes last night, I packed a lunch, cleaned my backpack, and brushed my hair. all i had to do this morning was wake up, wash my face and put my clothes on. I couldnt. I kept stopping, and looking at myself in the mirror. "whats going on?" "why do you even go to that damned highschool" "whats the point?" "why didnt you stay in Arizona" "whats wrong with you? why dont you have friends".

i was so used to being with you, i was uncomfortable in my own thoughts.

At dinner with my parents last night, they bought me milk shakes, soup, sandwiches, and onion rings. I was happy, considering all that i had still, all that i will have. My parents asked what time josh's flight would be in and i didnt cry about it. I talked about light hearted things, and things that didnt matter much. I talked about you like you were still around, just had gone to a trip to the bathroom. I talked like you hadnt been there in years, like you'd moved away and i briefly talked to you on occasion. I cried, they probably saw, i hid my face, i hate my face, i hate crying.

Im in class now. My second class of the day. You will be waking up soon enough and most likely text messaging me. It will be like it was before, when we texted all day. Called each other at night and listened to the hard breathing from the other when we had accidentally fallen asleep. Songs will remind me of you and i will ask if you have heard them. people will ask about you and i wont cry. i will laugh when they talk about how hard it must be, i will smile and admit that it is so nice to just be in love.

walking into first period i started crying. so i read some more of that book, House of Leaves. It scared me. so i started to listen to music. Your ipod, coconut records. "i talk out loud like your still around". no no no.

im sure by the end of the day you will have a letter to be sent to you, another blog entry because im so alone, a million text messages about how my heart hurts, my chest is on fire and i cant breathe with out you, and a phone call about how much i wish i had friends, about how much i wish i knew what i was doing, about job hunting after school, about my talentless hobby, about how that guy from the art institute STILL hasnt called or emailed me back. im sure we can do this. its minor, think about all those women who have to deal with this on a much larger scale. I have you. I have your heart. I am certain of that, and with out you i dont have one. I surely hope you have it,