Photo Final Part I, yourself, talk of nothing & lonlieness.

modest mouse, interpol. what kind of a mood am i even in? there has got to be something for me to do, something for me to keep doing. There are several sources to "blame" for my new found state of mind; lack of contact, no job, the book i have found myself dug into, sleepless nights, and this school that i hate and feel so isolated in.

i started thinking about it last night, after id gotten home from job hunting, after id finished with school, after i checked the mail and hit a parked car. im lonely but its so strange. In a matter of time i will just forget that i am lonely. my life will be filled with busy school work (that i currently finish too fast, so fast i blog to josh at school), perhaps a job, new books (i need a library card), new movies (always). I have starry eyes in the sense that coachella can fill my negative spaces, my spring break can fill my negative spaces.

Its hard to sleep alone. I toss and turn and always wake up an hour or so earlier then i intend. I didnt do that while you were here. My dreams are the falling ones, and the ones you wake up scared to but cant exactly remember why. I want to listen to radiohead, im going to rather, this is just thinking out loud now. odd. Last night i couldnt sleep with out a light on. honestly it was like stabbing me, the dark, it was haunting, i couldnt make out the dark figures in my room like usually. I fear the dark, the night and that intimate time before i fall asleep, where i used to crave it, love it and need it.

I want to spend my weekends sleeping in the light. I am sick of my house being empty. Im sick of my gas tank being empty. Im sick of my wallet being empty. Im sick of my thoughts being empty. im sick of my heart being empty.

I kept finding tears in my eyes. Like you are gone for good. you arent, not even close. you will be back, we still talk all the time. after having you in my life constantly all month (really, they only time away from you i had was if one of us was in the bathroom, or i was at school). you have me. You help me. I need you.

im always cold. i never want to wake up. i never want to fall asleep. im afraid i will forget. there is an earth quake drill next period. and after that p.e. the journalism (lunch)where there is a likely chance i will just write in here again. English, government, home, food, josh josh josh you josh josh josh, josh's show, homework, photofinal, clean room.

last night i woke up, unable to sleep and wrote down; "I look only for the sounds of cars when its impossible to sleep".

you do it to yourself you do, and thats what really hurts.

you do it to yourself, just you

you and no one else