sunshine, weekend.

im still jobless, my mother came home with my favorite ice cream today. my dad has agreed to lend me the money for my ticket on February 5th. Its exciting to at least think that I have one of my many things under control. The semester is going to be very easy for me i think, my two new classes are real classes so i wont be so bored in school, i will actually see a point in attending. (I need to pass both of those classes to graduate, and I want to graduate with a 4.0 so im going to do everything in my power to keep my grades where they are).
Im getting closer with Ali and that really pleases me. We talk about things that girls should talk about and i have been craving that attention for so long. Its nice that i finally have it. We have made plans to see a movie together once i get my job situation under control. (she only works weekends so our hanging out will probably be perfect since my days off will mostly be during the week.)
I have been feeling creative lately. I have been feeling awful still, my head my emptiness but its shaping up. its getting better.
there are several things i want to get accomplished this weekend;
- Write a one page essay about the Art Institute of Seattle for my senior project.
- Write bibliography on Annie Lebowitz.
- Edit several photographs.
- HOPEFULLY get called for an interview, if not apply at more places. (theres a university book store in mill creek thats hiring, im going to apply tonight.!)
- clean the under my bed,
i dont know, i guess thats about it, its nothing to pressing but, i dont know, life is just shaping up i suppose.
Sunshine was a great movie, i watched it today. im in love.

hey thursday?

today is thursday. it's the last day of january and the last full day of my brother's visit. these pictures were actually all taken on tuesday. at the house my mom is showing and the radioshow/metting with pete. i should publish my calender, that way i update it accurately.

i'll bet i could write good music if i had a nice guitar. i'll bet i could have a nice guitar if i had a lot of money. i'll bet i could make a lot of money if i had a good-paying job. i'll bet i could get a good paying job if i was born into a well known, well-off family. i'll bet i wouldn't want to make music as much if i was so well off.

i'll be home. i'll be home soon. oh no. oh no! This post is unstoppable. i think that seth kid might end up hanging out with us again sometime this weekend. hm. justin is going to a bluesman show tomorrow. bear works. i have a radioshow from something (6.7 or 8 to 9) watch: my head is going to explode. i hate feeling stuffed up. ugh. LOVE

no name #5

today was awful,
another "why dont i run to Canada" days.
my dad is at a doctors appointment right now, im worried that everything is going okay. i have had a headache for two or so weeks now, and im starting to think somehting is wrong with my neck.
im considering coachella plans, nothing seems right.
im considering college plans, i still havent gotten a call back
im considering my new job, except no one has even called me yet.

i fell abandoned and lonely.
im sick of were i am, i want to go home.

i feel better now theres nothing wrong.

Today was the first day of my last semester of high school. that feels awful nice. It was a late start today because of the snow, so we didn't go until 9:30. My classes were only 30 minutes long, and that in itself is a joke.
my new schedule;
1-Senior Experience
2-PhotoII
3-Health
4-Journalism
5-English
6-Government
Michael is in my health class, and this girl and this guy who i have seen around all year and look pretty cool are in my senior experience class, and invited me to be in their group today. I guess things are looking up. My goal is to stay focused and get a 4.0 for graduation. it shouldnt be too hard.
Im currently a neat freak.
im currently organizing everything in my life.
im currently searching for scholarships.
im currently looking for a job (still, ah hire me!)
im currently listening to radiohead.

thats all for now really. I feel good about myself somehow. like i have space and time and everything all figured out. life is looking up. i guess.
im so lonely lately. i have only gone out once in the last three weeks.
when ali took me to the movies and to lunch.
eli is nowhere to be found,
and i have no other friends.

more photographs

all is violent, all is bright.

my life in photographs. that's the new agenda.
thanks to you (amanda,) it is extremely possible.
all editing and rounding and making awesoming is credited to Ms. Marks.
love love love.


this is out the window at bubba gumps in lahaina. usually, the food is good. this time, it was alright. anyway, i was kind of afraid that i was going to drop my cell phone into the water. that boat out there is a cruise ship.

this dog lives next door. i hate it. i have lived here for a year and a half (maybe more.) but this dog acts like i am charles manson coming to steal it's food everytime i walk down my driveway. i don't understand.

this is a bunch of nails. i don't use nails. i don't own these nails and i didn't edit this picture. they are nice though.

about ten minutes ago, i went outside to photograph the sky because it was this violent orange color. i realized it was pooring rain and my skateboard (which i don't ever use) was sitting in the rain. it made me sad for a second. then i took this picture and i was happy.
all is violent, all is bright. the sky is a parking cone and it's approaching night.

my brother is visiting. he is very white. everyone from Alaska is very white. I have come to accept that a pair of sunglasses and a hat are two limbs that jake has that most people do not.
you will become the whale's tail. (tale) some guy was standing a little to the right behind this and he was painting something that looked exactly like it. commercial island art sucks.

snow day, my life feels very purple

i woke up with a bloody nose and snow outside.
it was a strange day, i dont feel like reminising.
(not much of anything happened)
im here you're there.
i need some friends. i think that i need to get a job, and socialize with real people again. jesus. SOMEONE HIRE ME

Wishlist

"i am not a paper cup"

-Moleskine 2008 Diary;
-A pair of flats.
-Darjeeling Limited DVD
-white Converse
-better pillows
-Full Size Mattress
-Frames for my photographs
-learning to love you more - Miranda July &Harrell Fletcher
-Helter Skelter - Vincent Bugliosi
-Zodiac - Robert Graysmith
-cute desk to share with joshua
-book shelves/shelves
-large dresser, for both wardrobes
- Blank CDs
- Rant - Chuck Palinuik
- Ipod Car adapter
-http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp;jsessionid=BF61A9275D3FA18DA043F708ABB14878.app13-node4?itemdescription=true&itemCount=10&id=14637607&parentid=&sortProperties=+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=1960&navAction=poppushpush&color=01

our relationship... as i see it.

there is much more.

no name #1

my life really needs to be reevaluated lately. its hard to remember what up is and what down is. I have felt the urge of giving up creeping upon me so many times lately with so many different situations, its just hard to breathe.
my mother is at an interview at Volkswagen right now, i tagged along to wish her luck and check out Everette finally. I adore Volkswagens, im so typical, but id love to own a jetta, or a golf. Uh! graduation present?! (in four years, when i finish at the art institute?!)
i want to take more pictures of my life, just typical photographs, of what my life looks like from time to time, i think josh has intentions of doing that as well.
ive applied at a million places and i think that star bucks will hire me. im going to call the manager there on monday or tuesday, see what he thought of my application. if not im going to start offering to baby sit, and dog sit, house sit maybe, odds and ends jobs. thats all i can think of really.

i want some new clothes,
i want tickets to coachella,
i need to calm down,
i need to work harder on my senior project.

my bedroom.

the applicant

First, are you our sort of a person?
Do you wear
A glass eye, false teeth or a crutch,
A brace or a hook,
Rubber breasts or a rubber crotch,

Stitches to show something's missing? No, no? Then
How can we give you a thing?
Stop crying.
Open your hand.
Empty? Empty. Here is a hand

To fill it and willing
To bring teacups and roll away headaches
And do whatever you tell it.
Will you marry it?
It is guaranteed

To thumb shut your eyes at the end
And dissolve of sorrow.
We make new stock from the salt.
I notice you are stark naked.
How about this suit----

Black and stiff, but not a bad fit.
Will you marry it?
It is waterproof, shatterproof, proof
Against fire and bombs through the roof.
Believe me, they'll bury you in it.

Now your head, excuse me, is empty.
I have the ticket for that.
Come here, sweetie, out of the closet.
Well, what do you think of that ?
Naked as paper to start

But in twenty-five years she'll be silver,
In fifty, gold.
A living doll, everywhere you look.
It can sew, it can cook,
It can talk, talk , talk.

It works, there is nothing wrong with it.
You have a hole, it's a poultice.
You have an eye, it's an image.
My boy, it's your last resort.
Will you marry it, marry it, marry it.

she makes my maternal instincts sting.
Silvia plath + the fiery furnaces = amanda when shes not reading house of leaves.
( josh and i have a date tonight )

a strange day; finals, coachella

im in class right now, but classes are a little out of order for me because of finals. its strange that i finish everything so fast that i have fifty minutes to utilize this computers internet for devious, coachella conspiring and blog writings. perhaps i didnt do as hot on my photo final as i expected (this is a joke of course.)

I decided im not going to read house of leaves anymore. its fucking me up. really. i dont have an addictive personality and it was really hard not to read it. That makes me really uncomfortable. i will finish it when im with joshua, when he lives here so im not so scared. i have it with me today, but i have no desire to read it. I havent read it since school on friday.

Today is one of the coldest days of the year. seriously. i woke up this morning and the sun was bright. im only wearing a tshirt and my light weight coachella sweater. the coldness is eating my bones. Im miserable, to make matters worse, I happened to forget my chapstick today my lips are so sad so so so sad. its so hard to imagine a weekend of shedding nearly all close sweaty dancing bodies, frozen lemonade and squirt guns (im totally going to bring something crazy/fun to coachella this year)

speaking of Coachella, im not going to rant like the people on the message board. The shitty headliners only mean people will not be coming for the popular bands (i.e. Rage against The Machine, Bjork, Red Hot Chilli Pepers) no one, i mean NO NO should travel out of state to see jack johnson. and people in California already get the chance to see him all the time. This means tickets will not be selling out. Sure Sunday will be filled with people who MAY only be there to see Roger Waters but oh well. The festival is going to be for those of us who are there for the festival experience and the smaller opening acts.

A List of bands I so far intend/wouldn’t mind seeing
(with lack of complications of course).
- The Verve - Animal Collective – Mum – Stars - dan le sac Vs Scroobius - Vampire Weekend - Architecture in Helsinki - Rogue Wave - Death Cab For Cutie - Rilo Kiley - Hot Chip - Cold War Kids - Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks – DeVotchKa - St. Vincent – Justice - Gogol Bordello – Metric - Shout out Louds.

A(much larger)List of bands I need to check out before Coachella
(or look MORE into)
DAY ONE
Raconteurs - The Breeders – Madness - The Swell Season - The National - Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings – Battles - Aesop Rock - Midnight Juggernauts - Does it Offend you Yeah? - Minus the Bear - Spank Rock – Diplo - Adam Freeland - Santo Gold - Jens Lekman - John Butler Trio - Dan Deacon – Sandra Collins - Busy P - Cut Copy - Black Lips – Datarock - Professor Murder - Reverend and the Makers - The Bees – Porter – Modeselektor - American Bang - Lucky I Am
DAY TWO
Portishead – Kraftwerk - Cafe Tacuba - Sasha & Digweed - Mark Ronson – Turbonegro - Scars on Broadway – Islands - Enter Shikari - Calvin Harris - Boyz Noize - Junkie XL - Cinematic Orchestra - Jamie T - The Teenagers - VHS or Beta - Carbon/silicon - Erol Alkan - Yo Majesty! - Little Brother - Bonde Do Role - Akron Family – MGMT - Institubes DJs (Surkin, Para One and Orgasmic) - James Zabiela – Sebastian – Kavinsky – Dredg - The Bird and the Bee - Grand Ole Party - New Young Pony Club - 120 Days – Yoav - Electric Touch - Uffie
DAY THREE
Love & Rockets - My Morning Jacket - Spiritualized – Chromeo - The Streets - Danny Tenaglia - Simian Mobile Disco - Booka Shade – Murs - Dmitri from Paris – Autolux -The Field - Linton Kwesi Johnson - Les Savy Fav - The Cool Kids - Sons & Daughters - Holy Fuck - Black Kids - Black Mountain - The Annuals - Kid Sister w/A-Trak - Man Man – Duffy - I'm from Barcelona - Manchester Orchestra - Deadmau5 - The Horrors - Austin TV – Plastiscines - Brett Dennen

I have much work laid out for me on days off/after school. Ect.

just two pictures

and now mine.

You did yours. i have to do mine. this list is my Coachella wish list and also sort of a prediction list.
I was sort of hoping every one of these bands would play.
That would be pretty fantastic.
It won't happen.
Maybe Belle and Sebastian? Ha.
Also, beside all this. if for whatever reason any member of A Silver Mt. Zion is reading this, PLEASE PLAY COACHELLA>!?!?








Radiohead - come on. seriously. fuck east coast coachella. it's all about indio, motherfuckers. (link to 15 Step from In Rainbows)
Beach House - saltwater. this would be chillmazing. (link to original version of a song covered on devotion; some things last a long time - daniel johnston)
Broken Social Scene - i don't actually anticipate this happening, but it would be nice. (link to luck ones from Broken Social Scene presents Kevin Drew)
Bright Eyes - for some god awful reason, i have still yet to see conor oberst crying into the lighted void of teenage girls. and this makes it harder to fall asleep at night. (link to Lime Tree from Cassadaga)
Wilco - i'm the man who loves you. (link to Impossible Germany from Sky Blue Sky)
Architecture in Helsinki - doubt it. but i'm hopeless. (link to Heart it Races from Places Like This)
Justice - i missed them last year and now i regret that. i want to dance like an idiot. and i do believe ed banger and crew can help the soul of the wild beast take control. (link to New Jack (Culture Prophet Remix) from a single MP3 produced by a song from Cross)
The Mountain Goats - i don't actually care if i see them. but they would be nice filler, for sure. (link to Woke Up New from Get Lonely)
Super Furry Animals - okay, so they don't have an album that they would be supporting, but they are touring and i have always had this dream of seeing them at a festival. (link to Into the Night from Hey Venus!)
Holy Fuck - they are touring with super furry animals, right? they are fantastic. (link to Lovely Allen from LP)
The Magnetic Fields - the book of love is long and boring. i love it when you read to me. (link to Please Stop Dancing from Distortion)
My Bloody Valentine - COME ON GOLDENVOICE!? jack johnson? who are you fucking kidding. your fanbase does not want that crap on stage. MBV MBV I WANT MY MBV. (link to I Only Said from Loveless)
Mogwai - if this doesn't happen, cambodia is gone. (link to Friend of the Night from Mr. Beast)
Nada Surf - used to love them much more. a perfect pop song. it's wonderful. (link to See These Bones from Lucky)
Panda Bear - animal collective is confirmed. this would be amazing. (link to Comfy in Nautica from Person Pitch)
Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - because i can't have pavement. (link to Summer Babe (Winter Version) because I can't have Pavement.)
Beirut - i have got to see this stuff live. i'd also like to shout at the drummer. he's a buddy of pete's. i could be like. yo! beirut drummer! i know your college roomate! (link to a Sunday Smile from the Flying Club Cup)
Okkervil River - mmmm. so come back, i am waiting. (link to Our Life is not a Movie or Maybe from Stage Names)
Dead Meadow - haven't really dove into this band. they sounded good. thanks eli. (link to Let It All Pass from Feathers)
Dr. Dog - turns out cigarettes can kill you. (link to Die, Die, Die from We All Belong)
Xiu Xiu - amanda, would you like to dance? (link to Clover from La Foret)
Death From Above 1979 - version 2. this won't happen. ever. i suck. belle and sebastian? (link to Sexy Results from You're A Woman, I'm A Machine)
Aphex Twin - doesn't play live. all that talk on the message board about a live drummer really got me thinking about how fucking awesome that would be. (link to Polynomial C from Classics)
Besnard Lakes - finally. this album is amazing. i want the desert's memory to be reminiscent of stale indie rock months after coachella. and for that to happen, besnard lakes needs to play. (link to For Agent 13 from Besnard Lakes are the Dark Horse)

my coachella wishlist

since tomorrow is the release of the line up and some confirmed acts have already started leaking im making my wish list right now, i realize some of thease people will not be playing.

-Rilo Kiley
-Charlotte Gainsbourg
-Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst
-Justice
-Radiohead
-Belle and Sebastian
-Wilco
-Coconut Records
-Animal Collective
-Magnetic Fields
-Okkervil River
-Kimya Dawson
-Jay-
-Kanye West
-Art Brut
-Nada Surf
-Bat For Lashes
-Sufjan Stevens
-Beach House
-Xiu Xiu

im obvious in almost every way, thats okay

lists

I have constantly been feeling like im loosing myself now. i dont know why, i dont know how. i know how close i am to being "done" but it has been getting harder and stressful lately. i need to make up some kind of list of rituals or something, that sounds just terrible.
i wish i could be a different kind of tree.
doing things with my parents is nice, not working is nice, but thats going to end now. it has to, this job is currently not about enjoying myself, its about making the money i need for coachella. (We booked a room! the line up is relased on monday!)
things i need money for
-Coachella Festival Tickets (presale? $200.00-ish)
-Coachella Hotel Room (roughly $100.00 each person)
-Plane Ticket to Pheniox, AZ - driving to coachella ($200.00-ish)
-Plane Ticket To Maui to vist josh in the Spring
-Spending Money For Coachella

places i need to apply
-Savers in Lynnwood
-Savers in Edmonds
-Starbucks by mall
-Jamba Juice buy Mall
-Pets Mart
-'Pastery Cafe'
-coffee shop up the street
-pet store up the street
-pizza place up the street
-starbucks on 99
-ross
-half price books
-fye

there isnt much to say on the topic of today, i put chocolate in my coffee this morning. im wearing my white dress under a sweater and under some jeans. i miss the sun despertly, my eyes hurt today. i had an anxiety attack yesterday, i woke up to my mom snoring. my dad stayed home from work today, i will get my lience today. tomorrow is saturday, the first saturday with josh not around. jesus how im i going to survive if it hasnt even been a whole week yet.

a list of things to do, growing up, changing roles, elliott smith

its strange how our minds often change roles. last night i fell asleep after getting off the phone with you and didnt wake again until my mom was leaving for work at 6:20. It was nice to sleep all the way through the night. Its always nice. Im so happy i do not have a job to worry about right now. Im going to hang out with my mom on Saturday, get things out of storage, probably go to the grocery store (my very favorite thing to do with my mother.)

last night while i was taking my shower i realize how much growing up i have managed to do. i underestimate myself so much. was it not a year ago that all i wanted to do was kiss and then run away from boys because they were dumb? was it just last year i actually tried to make people like me? i came to the conclusion that while all i need to do is move forward, i need to get around things that are from 'before'. Im going to go through my things (all of them) and get rid of the things that are the person i dont want to be anymore. Its not a lot but i feel i need to rid myself of this clutter.

plans for today; (mostly, some will spill over into tomorrow no doubt).
- My dad is off again so he is taking my to attempt to get my drivers license again. The stupid DMV need a million pieces of information before they can swich my License to a Washington one. this is attempt #3 and I think Ive got it.
- Perhaps apply at a few places. Ross, Fye, Jomba Juice, Peir one, Half Price Books, Pet Co?,and this cafe down the street from my house.
- I need to get a copy of my report card or transcripts from the office today in order to get my license.
- Fax my SATs over to the art institute so i cal finally apply. jeeze.
- Print My Photo Final (the two pictures i posted of joshua earlier).
- Finish My Journalism Story On Music Genres I have been putting off.
- Interview Hayley Via Internet for my Journalism Final ("What have you learned in school?").
- Complete My Journalism Play list/Upcoming Shows/Cool Website Lists im Creating.
- Load my Camera with black and White film, and carry it everywhere.
- Find some kind of inspiration for the time being. Im so lost again.
- Do the Ron Paul Questions For Government.
- Finish my Annotated Bibliography on Richard Avedon
- Finish my "Book Report" for House of Leaves.
- Start straighting my room and riding my life of crap.

this morning when i woke up i remembered the conversation josh and i had last night about how he should start taking vitamins. I decided that i would start doing it again as well. I took a multi vitamin this morning and fish oil. Every time i burp now it tastes like fish, and its making me sick now. (but how how pretty my skin and hair looks when i take it regularly. Cunundrum.)

(josh and i are going to prom together.)

(i keep listining to elliott smith, yesterday it was radiohead)

published hobo

So. I can't sleep right now. I got off the phone with you to go to sleep and now I am experiencing some kind of insomnia. This is a little rare for me. Anyway, I really want to call you, but I don't want to wake you if you fell asleep. I know the dark frightens you now. And so it goes. I should start posting with pictures. Even if I haven't taken them. I'm sure the Internet is aplenty with things I would have photographed anyway. I recorded a draft thing. Mmm.

Weatherman - Myself

less likely wasteland

Radiohead - Nude (Amplive Remix)

Radiohead - Reckoner (LoveTongueAttack Bmore Remix)

My day was a bit less eventful. I was not spoken to by any football players. I fixed some networking problems. I ate some chicken katsu. I shot some pool. I ran some errands. I watched a movie. I ate some tacos. And I talked to my love.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a colorful explosion of fun.
Since this is a blog, I am going to log things that occur to me so I can have them reoccur to me when I read back on this in a couple months. (Farecast is the best way to find a flight.)

I have a radioshow every Friday. It is called Cage of Sound. I do the show with Peter Swanzy and Ian Gregg. I am currently putting together a simple page of links to the previous shows we have hosted for download. This week's show is going to be on Terry Riley's In C.

Terry Riley: In C (composed 1964)

modivational speaker?

today was a normal day in my ever so normal life. as a high school senior you'd think that by this time i have made the relationships to last me a life time, relationships that i will be disappointed to leave behind once my 'new life' starts. thats a joke. I probably couldnt connect with nearly all the people i come in contact daily if i even wanted to. what keeps me going? why am i even bothering? well you see because amazing motivational speakers like keith davis (NFL) come and speak at my school. honestly his talk today changed my life. (oh how i wish i was being serious right now. No. i wasnt inspired in fact, i felt like my ass would fall off after the whole thing was over and done with. everyone was stoked and he kept talking about foot ball and girls he knew that killed them selves after loosing their virginity. they only thing that got to me was when he said "if hes worth it, hes worth the wait". now i didnt take this to heart exactly the way he'd intended. but i did take it in. slightly. not in the way he indented though im sure.)

dream big blah blah blah. Push, blah blah blah, dont let anyone or anything hold you back or stop you from doing what it is you want to do. The same things we have been told all of our lives. whether from our parents (like myself). our friends (like myself). Our teachers (like myself) or people you meet randomly that may see your potential. by the time you are a senior you assume you know it all anyway. and you have heard it all. so what different does it make anyway?

honestly thought. no sarcasm. the assembly today made me happy to have what i have. both of my parents love me very much. they are still married, and still very much alive. both of my parents support me in my choices. from my wonderful boy friend josh who they have allowed to let live with them while he is going to college, to my choice of career, even though photography might be expensive and might be difficult to get my foot in the door, they are sure i can do it. Parents that offer to help me with finances still, even though im old enough to be shipped out, parents that moved me to the state i thought i would be happiest in. im also lucky to have joshua. he doenst pressure me into doing things i do not want to do. He doesnt make me feel like there is a list of things i need to do, or i need to be before he loves me. I am lucky that he understands me, and cares for me, and gives me so much of his time and his heart, though it isnt necessary to. Im lucky to have such a great best friend. Though we are both changing and rearranging our frames of mind so much, megan darling and i still talk more then occasionally. we still plan our lives out together and we still ask eachother and want to be involved in each others lives. and im blessed.

there are many things my life is lacking that most people have. a concrete sense of religion, scholarships a bank account there parents set out for them to go to school,perhaps they live in a better neighborhood then i do, or maybe their parents have more money then me. but i am really really lucky.
on a separate note im newly afraid of the dark. i intend on purchasing a nightlight today.

Photo Final Part I, yourself, talk of nothing & lonlieness.

modest mouse, interpol. what kind of a mood am i even in? there has got to be something for me to do, something for me to keep doing. There are several sources to "blame" for my new found state of mind; lack of contact, no job, the book i have found myself dug into, sleepless nights, and this school that i hate and feel so isolated in.

i started thinking about it last night, after id gotten home from job hunting, after id finished with school, after i checked the mail and hit a parked car. im lonely but its so strange. In a matter of time i will just forget that i am lonely. my life will be filled with busy school work (that i currently finish too fast, so fast i blog to josh at school), perhaps a job, new books (i need a library card), new movies (always). I have starry eyes in the sense that coachella can fill my negative spaces, my spring break can fill my negative spaces.

Its hard to sleep alone. I toss and turn and always wake up an hour or so earlier then i intend. I didnt do that while you were here. My dreams are the falling ones, and the ones you wake up scared to but cant exactly remember why. I want to listen to radiohead, im going to rather, this is just thinking out loud now. odd. Last night i couldnt sleep with out a light on. honestly it was like stabbing me, the dark, it was haunting, i couldnt make out the dark figures in my room like usually. I fear the dark, the night and that intimate time before i fall asleep, where i used to crave it, love it and need it.

I want to spend my weekends sleeping in the light. I am sick of my house being empty. Im sick of my gas tank being empty. Im sick of my wallet being empty. Im sick of my thoughts being empty. im sick of my heart being empty.

I kept finding tears in my eyes. Like you are gone for good. you arent, not even close. you will be back, we still talk all the time. after having you in my life constantly all month (really, they only time away from you i had was if one of us was in the bathroom, or i was at school). you have me. You help me. I need you.

im always cold. i never want to wake up. i never want to fall asleep. im afraid i will forget. there is an earth quake drill next period. and after that p.e. the journalism (lunch)where there is a likely chance i will just write in here again. English, government, home, food, josh josh josh you josh josh josh, josh's show, homework, photofinal, clean room.

last night i woke up, unable to sleep and wrote down; "I look only for the sounds of cars when its impossible to sleep".

you do it to yourself you do, and thats what really hurts.

you do it to yourself, just you

you and no one else

alaska's snowy legs.

a few years ago my brother adam came to visit when we lived in hawaii.
i had not moved to arizona yet, and i was sure everything was very simply complicated.
school was important and getting to haiku to play music was a fucking journey.
i bought a journal so i could write things down at the end of everyday. i got compulsive about it and started writing everytime i had a chance. everytime i stopped someplace, i would take out my journal and write about what was going on. it was like a mechanical process. i'd do some things. some simply complicated things. and then i would stop and write about them. just in case maybe i died and somebody really wanted know what was happening with every simply complicated thing in my simply complicated life.

now, school is a joke. adam lives in turkey. my journal is digital letters back and forth to the love of my life. there is no simple complication. there is only complicated complication. oh. and haiku seems a little closer when the journey is across the pacific ocean.

anyway. jake is coming today. it has not really occurred to me until this point that jake is actually gone. he doesn't even live here anymore. not even a little. his room is only here because he happened to be living with us when we moved. in fact, if i moved with my family right now, we would probably buy a two bedroom house. because we don't need a bedroom for jake.
and jake is coming today. and so it goes.
and everything is simply complicated again. he's coming but only for two weeks. and he's "coming home" and it feels to me like it's a good thing that i will be here when he comes home because i have not seen him in a year. but i'm not really home. it's like im visiting my parents house and maybe i've been here too long and im really starting to miss my home.

anyway. my bed is way too fucking big. there is not enough josh for the amount of bed that i have. i need you.

If I could be anything in the world that flew

I would be a bat and come swooping after you

sleeping alone

Last night it was so strange to go to bed alone. Sharing my twin sized bed for about a month got me used to sleeping straight, and in the corner. Last night i warmed the heating blanket under my blankets long before falling asleep. With out you there its much colder, much harder to sleep. I laid there after i got off the phone with you for so long. I tossed and i turned. There was a noise that i couldnt get rid of. I kept turning things off, and putting stuff out side of my room. I was weeping of loneliness then i'd stop. Then i was weeping of coldness, but i stopped. I was then weeping because i have suddenly become afraid of the dark. When did that happen? when did i start to fear this?

waking up this morning was the hardest thing id had to do. I made it fool proof. I set out my clothes last night, I packed a lunch, cleaned my backpack, and brushed my hair. all i had to do this morning was wake up, wash my face and put my clothes on. I couldnt. I kept stopping, and looking at myself in the mirror. "whats going on?" "why do you even go to that damned highschool" "whats the point?" "why didnt you stay in Arizona" "whats wrong with you? why dont you have friends".

i was so used to being with you, i was uncomfortable in my own thoughts.

At dinner with my parents last night, they bought me milk shakes, soup, sandwiches, and onion rings. I was happy, considering all that i had still, all that i will have. My parents asked what time josh's flight would be in and i didnt cry about it. I talked about light hearted things, and things that didnt matter much. I talked about you like you were still around, just had gone to a trip to the bathroom. I talked like you hadnt been there in years, like you'd moved away and i briefly talked to you on occasion. I cried, they probably saw, i hid my face, i hate my face, i hate crying.

Im in class now. My second class of the day. You will be waking up soon enough and most likely text messaging me. It will be like it was before, when we texted all day. Called each other at night and listened to the hard breathing from the other when we had accidentally fallen asleep. Songs will remind me of you and i will ask if you have heard them. people will ask about you and i wont cry. i will laugh when they talk about how hard it must be, i will smile and admit that it is so nice to just be in love.

walking into first period i started crying. so i read some more of that book, House of Leaves. It scared me. so i started to listen to music. Your ipod, coconut records. "i talk out loud like your still around". no no no.

im sure by the end of the day you will have a letter to be sent to you, another blog entry because im so alone, a million text messages about how my heart hurts, my chest is on fire and i cant breathe with out you, and a phone call about how much i wish i had friends, about how much i wish i knew what i was doing, about job hunting after school, about my talentless hobby, about how that guy from the art institute STILL hasnt called or emailed me back. im sure we can do this. its minor, think about all those women who have to deal with this on a much larger scale. I have you. I have your heart. I am certain of that, and with out you i dont have one. I surely hope you have it,

Josh's Flies home, Casiotone Pictures

Josh is on his plane out of here about now. dropping him off at the airport alone was too much of an adult experience for me. I am still so young and its hurting now, a lot. Im sad.

As soon as we got the the airport I was telling myself how short the time left was. He will be back again, i will be there soon, its not bad. I left him before the security check point. Hugged him. Started crying, kissed him goodbye and walked away. I didnt turn around and look like i wanted to i didnt until i got to the parking lot and i hoped he'd followed me. he didnt of course. and he shouldnt have. I cried a lot on the drive home.

I put M.ward in. to lighten the mood i suppose. It reminded me of driving in the summer arizona heat, i miss my dessert adventures with myself. I miss Arizona. its so strange, since moving here i crave the sun. Its natural to want that when you dont have it. blah blah, maybe after college i can go on an adventure to a new city.

im stiking with you, case im made out of glue. anything that you might do, im gonna do too.

I finished my Casiotone paper for journalism. I would post it but josh is doing it too and he will, most likely, do it a million times better.


Casiotone pictures; ( i think im going to edit them before josh uses them for bad phone, if he does?)

several photographs, casiotone last night, josh leaves tomorrow.

1. Tea and sushi with Josh on Thursday.
2. My gods eye is finished, Josh hung it up for me yesterday.
3. Last week sometime I attempt to show off my new tattoo.

Today is the first day of our new blog, and the last day of him being around. Its painful to think about. I keep considering all the different ways I could manage to make him stay. There aren't many and I am completely aware that the thoughts are dumb. There is just so more we need to do and such before graduation. Its immature of me. I liked talking about the plans though, and making food together, and walking, it was just really lovely.

Last night we saw Casiotone for the Painfully alone at the Vera Project in Seattle. It was lovely. the singer Owen Ashworth was just sitting hanging out with people selling shirts from a little paper box. it all seemed so sincere, (im sure josh will post more, badphone?, i took pictures).

Josh goes home, and i have to write a review for the show for my journalism class. school, find a job, graduate. I think josh and i are going to find a plan for me visiting there in march, maybe february, then coachella then he's here.